I’ll stop adding guest posts when people stop sending me stuff. Today we have a  heart felt plea from SEOBastard, a fine young fellow who just wants to be understood.

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Dear client,

It may not have occurred to you at the time you hired me to do your SEO for you, so I’d like to spell it out for you:

I am an SEO expert, not a fucking magician. For clarity: I do not violently jerk rabbits out of hats, juggle fireballs or perform for children’s birthday parties. I don’t have a comely assistant and the only things I can make disappear are tin cans of microwavable chili. I’m not David fucking Blaine over here.

I am, in fact, responsible for dealing with the structure and content of your website and leveraging those to best satisfy the merciless dream crushing machine known as Google.

It’s okay though, I know the two are awfully easy to confuse.

I’m more like a chef. If you give me the right ingredients, I’ll whip you up a goddamn chicken cordon bleu meal so good your eyes will roll back until you can see your frontal lobe. But if you supply me with an ongoing pile of horseshit and dick-all, don’t be surprised if turd sandwiches are the only thing on the menu.

In other words, I need you to reply to my recommendations and actually do some shit on your end. I know you’re busy running a business and you’d probably rather not be responsible for writing a bunch of poppycock or tweaking your code. Good news: you don’t need to. There are people for that.

But contrary to popular opinion, I do not keep top rankings stuffed up my ass for easy retrieval.  I’m out there wrangling hot opportunities like some sort of perverted cowboy. All I’m asking you to do is step in and take advantage. There isn’t some secret garden of links I can just go merrily traipsing through like a school girl on morphine. We’ve gotta create that shit. Get people talking. Make people care you exist. This is high school prom all over again, and right now you’re the acne-laden chess co-club captain wearing sweatpants and khaki shorts. I’m trying to help you sort it out.

All I need is for you to give slightly more than no shits about your online presence. We’re trying to do some marketing here. You want more online leads? Sales? Market share? Give me MORE to work with. This is basic-ass math.

With love,

Your SEO