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Published on August 1st, 2012 | by 011100110110010

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Leaked Documents Reveal Google’s Plans for Rio 2016

In line with Google’s mission to organise the world’s information, Google has deemed it necessary to take over running of the Olympic Games, starting at Rio 2016. The Google Organising the Olympic Games (GOOG) Committee is committed to delivering the best user experience for everyone involved in the Olympics, including but not restricted to the sponsors and other international brands. GOOG is determined to stage a mostly athlete-centred Olympic games, whilst retaining a significant focus on legacy and/or sustainability.

Google will determine the winner of each race based on their clear athlete guidelines:

  • Competitors must compete ‘naturally’ – compete as hard as you can, without competing so hard that it looks like you cheated.
  • Do not under any circumstance pay for performance enhancements, but if you do, make sure it looks like you haven’t.
  • Any competitor, regardless of ability, may however pay Google directly; in which case the highest bidder will succeed.
  • Athletes may gain a competitive advantage by changing their name by Deed Poll to the name of their specific event (e.g. ‘Men’s Synchronised 10m Platform Diving’) – this is considered a strong indicator to Google that you are good at said event.
  • Similarly, if other competitors refer to you by the event name rather than your real name, Google may reward you. Google may also punish you however if this happens too often or by people that Google does not deem worthy.
  • In some events the winners will be predetermined by Google.
  • At all times, in all competitions, you must wear a white hat.
  • Any athlete found to have secretly worn a black hat may be ejected from the competition at any moment.
  • Competitors are encouraged to attract sponsorship, however displaying too many sponsor logos may result in elimination.
  • Competitors may not Tweet, Like or ‘Pin’ photos of the events, but sharing via Google+ is highly encouraged.
  • You may find at any stage that a competitor teleports in front of you – this is normal, and definitely not a result of said competitor paying for performance enhancements.
  • In some events, Google may decide to enter their own team, who will always win.
  • At any stage during the competition, a large black and white animal may land on your head. This could be deemed to be your fault, and as such you may be disqualified.
  • Competitors that appear to have won may find they have been disqualified without notice.
  • Competitors who may have taken performance enhancements in the past may receive an email notifying them of ‘unnatural speeds’. They either should or should not take action because of this.
  • If another competitor has copied your exact performance, this could be deemed to be your fault and may result in a penalty.
  • Rules may be changed at any point, even during a race.
  • Athletes looking to fine tune their performance may contact an external training agency, although they may choose to contravene all of the here-stated rules.
  • For any competitor that finds themselves disqualified, they may submit their appeal to Lord Cutts, who may choose to get back to you, but may not.

By participating, watching, talking about or hearing about the Olympics, you give Google the rights to all of your personal information to use however they wish.

This is a guest post by Patrick Hathaway, who is in-house SEO for promotional gifts companies Ideasbynet and Yes Gifts, and is currently promoting his rather cynical view of the Olympic sponsors via this interactive infographic: Advertise to a Generation

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11 Responses to Leaked Documents Reveal Google’s Plans for Rio 2016

  1. Pingback: Leaked Documents Reveal Google’s Plans for Rio 2016 - Inbound.org

  2. Patrick, cheers for taking the time out for this post. Excellent idea and the infographic ain’t half bad either!

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    • Cheers Sean, thanks for the opportunity to write for your highly esteemed blog. I shall treasure this moment.

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  3. Joel says:

    Way too funny. Well done, Patrick.

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  4. Paul says:

    Err Patrick…hate to break this to you fella, but big G thinks your fine doodle is the Taj Mahal

    http://markup.io/v/15z03cwyqtj2

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    • Patrick Hathaway says:

      Whaaaat? Have they seen the Taj Mahal? Probably Google just covering up the truth.

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  5. Hannah says:

    Patrick I love this, light hearted reading for once. Your infographic was very apt re your Nike v’s Adidas comments – Little victories Nike.

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    • Thanks Hannah! Glad you like the infographic too (although surely it is also technically ‘ambush marketing’?). Love all the anti-sponsor side stories that have come out – Nike, Oddbins, Paddy Power etc…

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  6. David says:

    Tea officially spurted at point 4. Well played Patrick.

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    • Glad to hear it, tea spurting was the desired outcome.

      Sorry about the keyboard/screen.

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  7. Martin Andersen says:

    It’s really black humor there. But as long as google and the Olympics are not worse than FIFA so it is fortunately still almost to live with. And nothing less than the thumbs up for your info graphic.

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