Angry SEO, Guest Post

The Angry SEO #2 – Dear Useless Bastard…

So last week’s post by Angry SEO #1 appeared to have struck a chord with you guys. I think it’s nice to be able to anonymously vent about a client, company or co-worker so if you would like to do likewise get in touch! 😉

In today’s issue SEO Anonymouse appears to have a few issues with a co-worker… This post not only made me laugh but appears to have had a positive effect on our Angry SEO “It’s been cathartic and I feel better for it, exorcised.”

Great news! Have a excellent week kids 🙂


Dear Useless Bastard,

Yes you, the person who thinks they know this shit but doesn’t.

The person who’s been fucking things up for as long as there’s been a website.

Yes you, that person who has talked bollocks to everyone who knew no better and lead them down a path of misinterpretation.

This is for you, because you are everywhere, you keep popping up like a bad penny and you waste everyone’s time money and energy, and if it were allowed I’d put you in a cage and squirt you with a water pistol, hourly.

You see, in that meeting we all had, I couldn’t really sit there and tell you to STFU. I couldn’t, and to be frank would rather not waste my time and energy with you because you are like some house of cards, some matchstick house out in a hurricane, I’ve seen more substance on the knee of a sparrow but pfft.

I had to smile and disagree gently, I had to spend ages telling you politely that you were misinformed and that your understanding of things digital was a little out of kilter. I had to use 10,000 words of nice and spend ages painting pictures and telling you stories. I did tell you this was pro bono right?I can’t help that my gentle metaphors were lost on you, I can’t help that you mentioned that you had a myspace page. That was your doing. I wanted to tell you that it’s actually 2012 but thought that the big calendar on the wall was clue enough.

Maybe I’m a big baby but look, the moment when you smiled at me with those squinty little piggy eyes of yours and tried to diminish what it is I do was your first and biggest mistake. Why did you do that!? Do you think I’m some kind of weak mother fucker!? Does my 6 foot 200lb frame of confidence tell you nothing? Do I really look like I’d just sit there and take your nonsense!?You dismissed PPC out of hand. Ok, it can be a tricky one. It needs work (like most things) and tbh was never a big focus for me, but it’s still worthy of consideration and with a bit of honing can be very useful but I digress. The point is you dismissed it and sneered at it, having never even entertained it in your 4 years of tenure. Why? because some nameless ‘professional’ as you called them, told you it didn’t work! Right.

The worst part though, was when you dismissed my whole objective and had the cheek to refer to what I do as that ‘SEO’ thing; when you tell me that you’ve done ‘social media’ and have a background in ‘twitter’ then my instant reaction as I grapple to hide my drop jaw face expression is that really, you know shit worth knowing and need to just shut up. When you confuse a fucking email newsletter as digital marketing, when you fail to…


What’s the use.

The point is that going forward, you need to either just fuck off out of it or STFU.

I don’t really mind which. If you’re extra nice then you even carry with that email marketing thing, for now.

I think it’s fair to say that I don’t like you.

You my friend, are my proverbial fart in a sleeping blanket, stifling and sickly and not very nice. And yet, in that meeting we had I had to be all nice and tippy toey. It’s a new relationship after all and I don’t want to go and alienate everybody as for some crazy reason most of the people in the room have overtime, bought in to your skewed idea of how this shit works. God knows what you’ve told them as their traffic dwindled or never really got off the 22nd page of Google.

I’m a believer in karmic outcomes so I’m going to speak to your boss and tell them indirectly that someone needs to communicate that I’m not here to nick your job or show you up for the knob that you are, I’m far more tactful than that. I get that your insecure and that’s fine, we’ve all had those times at one point or another. In fact if you were smart you’d see this for the big opportunity that it is. A chance for you to check back, relax, learn and if you’re really smart take credit for the upsurge when I’m gone.

The thing is that I have a job to do.

I’ve been asked by your boss to give my opinion on his product, that opinion will look at the whole product. It’ll look at everything it is that touches that website. It’ll look at all the opportunities, it’ll look at processes, keywords, traffic, conversions. It’ll look at who’s doing what where when and how often. It’ll give views on your competitors, what they do, why they are winning, why they are doing better than you. It’ll try and inform and educate and move forward. It won’t take no for an answer and will do its utmost to drive this piece to where it needs to go. To do that, it needs buy in and flow. It needs people to be 100% on board with the strategy and tactics presented. If we want to play Beethovens 9th then we need more than a glockenspiel and a metal triangle!! We need everything to be played in harmony, all of the pieces need to fit in with all of the others, in the right way, at the right tempo, otherwise it just ain’t fuckin beethovens 9th!

So I guess you could say that this is a little warning. I won’t involve you in much of anything going forward as I have all the access I need, FTP, uid’s, psswds, root access, WMT etc etc blah. I’ll get your boss to buy in completely and he’ll be directing all of the stakeholders to where it is they need to get to. We will be playing Beethovens 9th, eventually. You can ding the triangle.

PS. CEO’s, bosses, owners who know jack.

You might have one of these people in your organisation fucking things up and bullshitting you daily.

Train their arses or GET RID.
1. If your sales are poor, then ask them why.
2. If your rankings and traffic are crap ask them why.
3. And if you don’t really know or fail to understand what it is they tell you then seek a second opinion.
It’s your business, the jobs of 100’s may be at stake, don’t let it die a death just because some knob jockey told you it was ok.

POSTSCRIPT if you are anything like this person then please, just stop it.

Go see a shrink, get counselling, have a wank more often but whatever you do, just stop it. Thanks.

tl;dr “Give your SEO a chance, stop, listen, absorb. Don’t be rude, don’t be a know all idiot”

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2 comments on “The Angry SEO #2 – Dear Useless Bastard…

  1. Hey SEAN, epic Post ! you made me remember what I went through for the whole last year and before. Phew ! thank God its finally over… But now I realize what good it did to me as it made a stronger person as every time I had to fight and prove my point right. It made me find my own ways and research more about them and most of all it made me realize what I was capable of.

    A few months back when it got over, I actually sighed with relief but today while reading your post I almost got a deja-vu and can’t stop myself from saying “I know the feeling man!” 🙂 By the way for people who haven’t got rid of such people or somehow stuck with such shit heads. This might help you feel better: 😉

    Once again GOOD READ ! 🙂

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